Waiting for the train at Hue station to takes us to Hanoi, no idea when it's coming it's 20 minutes late already. There's no obvious signs we can understand, we might end up anywhere. We're sharing a cabin on this over nighter....I hope my shoes don't stink too much or I fart too profusely in the middle of the night; I must say I am feeling a bit gaseous..... Or wake up in the morning with an enormous smiling morning glory or groped in the night by one of our cabin sharers... or raped and pillaged....On board we're sharing with a Vietnamese couple, I'm caught off guard and the lady motions whether she can take the bottom bunk which is allocated to me and I agree. After nearly breaking my neck getting to the top bunk - there is no ladder just a metal step the size of a fizzy drink ring-pull about 4 foot off the ground - I realise why the lady wanted to swap, the crafty cow she must have done this journey before. The bed is about 3 inches wider than my arse and for someone who's been known to fall out of a king-size this is slightly worrying, further I'm about 18 inches away from the air conditioning unit which is pumping out freezing cold air - so it's looking like I shall either break both my legs or catch hypothermia, or both. Only twelve more hours to go.... Oh dear the fella's on the phone talking really loudly....... Adrian is such a selfish little sod he's eaten all the Pringles within the first hour of the journey - so now I shall arrive in Hanoi not only with broken limbs and frostbite but with sunken eyeballs and distended belly from starvation.
There's not a lot to do on the train....well actually there is nothing to do on the train...once you're in your cabin that's pretty much it. It's already dark outside so no scenery to look at, so after a little read it's time for bed. Contrary to all predictions I actually wake up pretty refreshed, no broken legs or extremities fallen off through frostbite. It's now half past six – we should have arrived in Hanoi at 5am – and we've stopped in the middle of the countryside for some reason...no one seems to know why. We grab a cup of coffee from the trolley lady that is so strong I feel like I've done some illicit drugs...talk about wake you up...delicious though. Hey ho, another hour and a half and we arrive in mad, bad bustling Hanoi.
NEWSFLASH EXTRA: We apologise once again for interrupting your reading pleasure we have just received a report that Camilla is NOT dead, I repeat Camilla is NOT dead. Since our last report we have been able to stitch together some of the tragic events so far. It appears that whilst carrying out her royal duties yesterday she tripped over her high heels and landed head first in a fast flowing river. Her Lady in Waiting, and close confidante, Lady Adrianna Farquharson immediately dived in and pulled her royal drenched carcass to safety on the river bank. Despite administering CPR it was feared that she was a goner. However after a night of intensive care which reportedly included sleeping under a duvet, in between Lady Adrianna and her lesbian lover Dame Colly Wobbles of West Greenwich, Camilla has somewhat recovered. Lady Adrianna, speaking to our correspondent earlier said “ she is not out of the woods yet but she is very much better and at this moment is having some chicken soup and a glass of champagne”. Another exclusive, we have managed to procure the last picture that Camilla was working on just before the near fatal plunge - please see opposite. We will bring further updates when received.
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